recommended listening: fitter, happier, by radiohead
“We have an air conditioner, but we’re kind of afraid to install it because of the accident.” Homer wiped the sweat from his forehead and neck and continued. “I sat in front of one too long, and it was blowing directly onto my left shoulder. A couple days later, the pain started. I almost needed surgery. You can’t be too careful with air conditioners.”
“Would you like anything to drink?” Marge asked. “But be careful. The water and soft drinks are cold. We can warm it in the microwave for the children.”
Before we leave, soaked with sweat but safe from air-conditioning-induced shoulder inflammation, Lauren will have been cautioned against letting our children drink cola (too much acid) or anything cold (causes runny noses and sore throats), and sitting in front of fans (causes ear infections). She will have received all this advice while watching the hosts’ three-year-old daughter help herself to wine and the homemade malt liquor. Homer and Marge assure her that it’s OK for kids to drink alcohol, as long as it’s not more than a four glasses a day. It’s good for their digestive and circulatory systems. And Lauren will receive all of this advice while eating from a common dish without serving utensils, and using dishes that have probably never touched soap.
Western arrogance tells others what to value and believe. Eastern arrogance tells others how to do every single little thing. No one here will try to persuade you to change religions, but strangers will publicly humiliate you for letting your children eat ice cream outside, have uncovered ears or ankles in a breeze, walk barefoot in the house, use soap, or bathe several times a week. Lauren has received lectures on how to cut tomatoes, shine shoes, wash hands, sweep sidewalks, and wash dishes, and boil water. Apparently, medical school, residency, and five years of inner-city family practice didn’t provide her with enough training.
“You know, it is very interesting what different cultures believe about things. We aren’t superstitious like most people. For example, we will sit at the corner of the table even though most people say it makes you so you won’t be married. Some things, though, aren’t just traditions. They’re scientific. Like body temperatures. If a woman sits on cement, her body will be too cold for her to have children. And if your son wears diapers after he’s two, you probably won’t ever have grandchildren. That’s why America’s population is so much smaller than India’s. Indians don’t use Pampers. I think we can all learn from each other.”
Homer takes another bite of watermelon. His nose is running, but tissues are culturally taboo. To be polite, he sniffs loudly enough for us to hear it moving from his nasal passages down his throat. He then wipes his nose on the back of both hands, wipes his hands on his eyebrows, and reaches to the serving plate for another piece.
“Please, please. Have some more. I insist!”
By Friday, we have colds, so we call to say we can’t attend the birthday party. Rob says he was about to call us to cancel anyway, though because their daughters have mumps. Rob and Laura are Americans, but they don’t believe in immunizations. It’s one of those convictions that’s a fairly free ride in developed nations, but here, half of the population unwillingly shares their susceptibility.
They’d been careful, but then they took Davey into their home. Davey lived by the dumpsters a few blocks from their home. He has parents, sort of, but he’s not really sure which of the six drunk women he lives with is his mom. Davey runs away often, which is normal for street kids in any country. The good news is he doesn’t come back drunk anymore.
Davey got mumps first. Then their eight-year-old daughter. Then on down the line. Things spread quickly when seven people are living in three rooms. But how can you say no?
